Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Evil Monk #2 Halloween Horror Journal #1

HALLOWEEN MONTH is here. It's not a day, it's not a week, it's not just a holiday. IT IS MY MONTH OF OCTOBER.

Usually I cover each film I watch, but this year I'm just going to journal it when time allows, and so far it's been a globe trotting and splattery batch!  Onwards!


I love movies from THE ASYLUM, and writer/director Jose Prendes gets to forgo Mockbusting, but Haunting Of Whaley House doesn't go far from the classic haunted house and goofy teens / semi pro ghost hunter model, and that is quite OK by me.  When a tour guide at the house has a woman spaz out after she sees a ghost with a "this house is so fucking haunted!!!" moment, she hangs with some pals who think that is pretty cool.  Against her supervisor's advice, she decides to go in the house after dark. "Their Time." And taunt the ghosts with a "Deeeez Nuts" kind of moment.  And...everyone is in deep shit.  While the first 2/3rds are good enough, the movie soars off into a tribute to Fulci, even though they DISS the mighty Lucio earlier, which I thought was kind of ironic.  The ghosts go gore all over the silly kids, and it's good fun.  What makes the film memorable is the final 10 minutes, which has an obvious, but cleverly done little payoff about what happens when you cross into THE BEYOND.  And hey, you get an extended cameo by Lynn Lowry! Worth it for that alone.

Halloween Horror #2:  FRIGHT HOUSE

Released on disc as a perk for Exploitation.TV backers on Indiegogo, and also viewable on the streaming service HERE, this Len Anthony late 80s obscurity is incredibly bizarre, headstompingly incoherent in spots and superbly entertaining.  Containing one of two films only, it runs under an hour, but you'll be glad you took the time to visit this Fright House.  There are multicolored monks with low hanging tits and swords, a story that has flashbacks, Al Lewis (pay attention to his character name and then wonder how ANYONE could not notice it being said about 80 times during one scene), hair that is...of the era, and it's going to please the hell out of people, like me, that can watch the ultra extended BOARDINGHOUSE version multiple times.  I'm not sure if I can even call it a complete film, more like the good parts with exposition unfilmed for something that was supposed to be coherent and scary. Instead we are left with something that is like a VERY SPECIAL episode of the old Friday The 13th show. With boobs. I loved it.

Halloween Horror #3: NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES

If you don't think a movie about a crimson masked wrestling woman in Mexico that stumbles across a plot to put an ape heart in a mad scientists lukemia stricken son's body which turns him into an evil minded lady humping ApeFaced creature because her opponent that she nearly killed ends up getting chopped to bits to fuel the monster sounds GREAT, then we may have a problem. And the thing is, it is great. The pacing is perfection, the dialog is the perfectly dubbed slab of nonsense and weirdness and you even get some wrestling!  While the gore won't shock or horrify, and there is nary a fright to be found, just read that first sentence again.  It's all about the audacious plot and silly cartoon violence both in and out of the ring that keeps me coming back to Rene Cardona's sort of remake of his own DOCTOR OF DOOM!  Perfect Halloween Salsa with a side of schlock.

Halloween Horror #4:  THEY BITE

Brett Piper is a favorite, but for sheer tits out and Ron Jeremy'd exposition, you can't beat INVASION OF THE FISH FUCKERS (which is actually in the film, but you'll have to see why on your own!)  That we live in a world where Criterion has not produced a 4 Blu Ray set dedicated to this film is a sad indictment of modern times.  So, get this. When a porn director only out to make a classic bit of the bang/bang in a seaside motel ends up getting a package with his name on it full of what appears to be monster movie stills, but are actually crime scene pictures of an amphibious love nature, it turns out he shares a name with a cute ichthyologist. The two Mel Duncan's are thrust into a world where fishmen are rampaging! Sucking...and THEY BITE!  There is lots of fun dialog to be sure, but the star are the creatures and their goofy rampage as the ragtag batch of characters attempt to solve the mystery of what...WHAT... is happening.  And there is a kick ass vagina monster too!  This one was covered in Fangoria, and thanks to Evil Monk #1 years later, I was able to see it. Love it. Worship at the foot of THEY BITE!  It's a Halloween staple and while it remains elusive, video hunters will be well rewarded by it's chompy charms.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Queen Crab Clickity Clicks The Pipertronick StopMo Mania!

You know, it's really a good sign for any movie when MARK POLONIA shows up as a scientist to explain that crabs eat anything. Seriously. It is. LOOK!

QUEEN CRAB is coming from Wild Eye Releasing, and here at Cinesludge HQ, we surely do love director / effects maestro and all around monster maniac Brett Piper's films.  Filmed in 2012, it's about time that this Polonia Brothers Entertainment film hops out of the pot and into your DVD players.  My love for Guy N. Smith crab books is boundless (here, check out my massive tribute, CRUSTACEAN DOMINATION)--so I was doubly excited to see Piper's name attached because who else would have the balls to make a stop motion MegaCrab in this day and age? 

FLASHBACK!  Melissa is a little lonely on her parents remote home that doubles as idyllic rural harm / super science center.  Wait..what?  Well, Dad is working on a solution to world hunger by making some big old mutant foods.  But what happens when the little girl befriends a crab, name PEE WEE no less, and she feeds said crab with some mutated fruit?  Well, it takes a while, but after her parents get blown up (!) Melissa becomes the most beautiful grumpy GET OFF MY LAND neighbor I've seen in ages. AND she has kept Pee Wee through thick and thin and gigantism!  Now going by the moniker GOLIATH, it turns out that we have a rural town with a secret in the lake. A giant crab dropping eggs...  Now, toss in some of the funny characters that Piper does so well, from a goofball deputy, a funny sheriff that definitely doesn't buy into Bulldozer Cults, an exploitation cinema actress come home to see her best friend that gets into kung fun laden battles outside bars and and of course the flip side of grumpy land owners with a cigar chompin' mama that takes no shit.  It's a mess over on Crabbe Creek Road, and Queen Crab is coming to stomp some fools that kill her babies!  But, can she survive against the force of tanks and planes the locals have in their back pocket?  Hah...watch. 

The strength of Queen Crab is double clawed, first you have the awesome effects Piper does so well, as QC smashes around and just looks awesome at every turn.  This is almost a given, and even though the occasionally deliriously sketchy CGI jumps in for a plane on occasion, the film looks great all the way through.   I'll go a LONG way for a good monster, but when the script is up to the task of keeping the characters fun and interesting then it's b-movie magic.  From discussing Egg White sandwiches, Post Hole Digger Cults, to engaging in epic faux driving scenes, the cast has fun with the material and it's infectious. 

"Let me get this straight, your best friend is a giant crab??"

A groovy throwback, Queen Crab celebrates the monstrous clicking of crab claws and is lifted up by a script that is executed the right way at every turn.  You'll growl when QC does, you'll laugh when Kathryn Metz throws down as Z grade actress Jennifer Kane, and eagle eyed viewers will even spot Mark Polonia's video collection, including FEEDERS in the background.  A good time for all...  You are gonna need one big ass pat o' butter to cover all the tasty fun QUEEN CRAB delivers!

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Boneater-Wynorski unleashes the CURSE OF TORAK!

Jim Wynorski's BONE EATER features some P.O.V. boning, but not the type one would expect from the director of THE HOUSE ON HOOTER HILL.  Instead, this one brings the beasts to a  Sci-Fi Network film from 2007 that brings the horror and action to the small screen with the typically eclectic cast and tight t-shirts that you expect. No, the ones you DEMAND as a Wynorski Fan!

  Sheriff Evans, played by Bruce Boxleitner, is a man straddling two destinies. One. A law man in the civilized world of the white man. And two. His heritage as Running Wolf of the local Katonah Indian tribe has given him the blood of a true warrior!  At least the world had better hope so, because after Big Jim Burns and his men unearth an ancient beast of Bone that spews Noxious Gas which turns flesh to dust, well... it's on as savage meets civilization and all shall feel the wrath of BONE EATER!

 When a work crew go missing after unearthing the demonic dustcloud with an attitude the Sheriff finds himself investigating both the real possibility that rebellious Indian named Blackhawk was waging war on those that would offend the tribe, while also learning that the "Curse of Torak" may be real and 6 renegades bones will be reformed to have their vengeance. Thankfully, the legendary BONE AXE could be the sharp end of the spooky key to piercing the forces that hold the beast together!

The Sheriff doesn't have it easy, between a rebellious daughter, doubtful doctors, straining T-Shirts and disintegrating townfolk, it will come down to a war paint wearing showdown in the dustbowl of doom! And dare I mention the dirtbike chase scene that features some gulch hopping that would make Evel Knievel blush at it's CGI goodness? 

Bone Eater is a good old fashioned monster movie that brings the B to bodacious and is consistently entertaining.  From a cast that includes William Katt (oh, Naked Obsession..I need thee on Blu!), Walter Koenig, Gil Gerard and Jennifer Lee Wiggins to a rousing score that mixes Morricone and Monsters with style from Chuck Cirino, it's a good time that is easy on the eyes and ears.  Monster movie fans that don't freak out at CGI that ranges from ehhhhh to ehhhhhhxsellent will be in for a treat as well.   Your humble host is a huge fan of Those Moldy manglers we call The Blind Dead of Amando de Ossorio and Bone Eater has a demonic steed that doesn't just kick up dust, but wears it as a mane of madness!  You gotta love that....

Just in time for Halloween, the Bone Eater is ready to devour 90 minutes of your time, and monster fans should be pleased to meet the beast that doesn't want your meat...he's gonna swallow your BONES!

3 Steaming Hot Tubs of Wynorski Glory!

Monday, July 27, 2015

Blood Junkie! From the Madmen Behind BILLY CLUB!

"Laura, Laura, my Laura?  My God those ARE Laura's glasses! She needs those to see Teddy, she wouldn't just leave those behind!"

After ranting, raving and carrying on about BILLY CLUB on Cinesludge - A Mangled Media podcast's SLASHER EPISODE I was really intrigued by the Troma released BLOOD JUNKIE, the first film from director Drew Rosas.  What I got was far beyond expectations and a sign of the greatness to come and a damn fun, funny, and fucking disturbing surprise twist film that definitely carries the same vision as Billy Club and bears the same kind of repeat viewing experience I enjoyed from the latest feature.  Set in the 80s, you have two totally rad dudes that engage in 80s homoerotic teenplay while trying to get laid on a rad camping trip.  It all goes spectacularly wrong when they run into JUNKIES (Junkies? Junkies. JUNKIES!) hungry for blood. One monstrous masked mayhem maker to be exact, and the groovy guys and boobs baring babes are in for a bad ride.  But did I mention the girls brought along their slightly odd little brother, buying off his silence for a 5 spot to buy more instruments of doom for the local ant population.  Andy is... a little off, and if you pay close attention, when things start strobing in front of Andy's eyes (TV, bonfire...KNIFE!) shit is about to get weird.

To be honest, I'm not going to spoil the twist to much, but what Billy Club used to fuel it's finale, Rosas places into an epilogue that changes the movie completely and left me shaking my head that, AGAIN, I suspected what was going on, but got so caught up in the funny dialog, refined period details, occasional gore and suspense and deft editing that it still hit me like a Pet Rock!  

The cast is excellent top to bottom (even the speed walker in the background that totally jumped off the screen for me gets a credit!) and Nick Sommer is once again VERY funny as the hyped up dickhead that you have to root for because once his one liners stop the audience will become very sad!  Besides, rockin' a velour shirt like that is either a crime against the eyes or an epic conquest of fabric to make cinematic shirt art.  I mean, look at that!  As with Billy Club the tropes of the slasher and horrors of the 80s are played with, but not mocked so much as embraced. If you LOVE watching movies like Deadtime Stories, Scalps or Killer Workout, you'll enjoy this while scratching your head how it is so damn close to the vibe of the VHS era new releases. If you want a bit more, and find lots of humor in groovy editing that feels as familiar as a montage with weed and hair spray, you get that too.  And then...woah, it's off to the demented denouement for BLOOD JUNKIE.  
And fuck it...it's worth it for this.  Crack a BUNTZ BEER (tm Billy Club Rules Inc) and enjoy some BLOOD JUNKIE, on DVD, from TROMA no less!

 And of course...

And now...a minor spoiler that you will want to look at AFTER you experience Blood Junkie. This frame with the UHF channels flipping says it all...  DIG IN and as with Billy Club, I can't wait to see what Rosas has in store for the next time he unleashes excellence upon the world!

Monday, July 20, 2015

THROWBACK! Aussie Terror makes me say Yowie!

NOTE!  I have been informed that the MVD release of THROWBACK is missing 9 minutes of footage that deletes the fate of Vernon Wells and more!  This is really unfortunate for all involved and I hope it is resolved.  My opinion on the film may not change, but you have to respect the work of any filmmaker and each film should be shown the way it was intended.  Proceed with that in mind and be sure to check in with MVD about your desire for a complete recall if you are interested in getting your Yowie on!

I certainly love Bigfoot films of any stripe, and this Australian film takes the myth of the Yowie (or as I shall call him, Ausquatch!) and brings it to life.  While not exactly a rip roaring adventure or heart rending horror, there are a few bits worth checking out.

The first thing I learned was that there is a BOGGY CREEK VINEYARDS, because they drink some wine from there. HAH!  Irony. Humor!  Actually, I need a bottle. Thank you, Throwback!!  But the film proper isn't quite as informative.  It's quite simple. Two rather unlikeable chaps are after the lost treasure of Thunderclap Newman, a rogue fella that apparently enjoyed taking prospector's gold many years ago. It's still out there, but nobody has found it. Why?  YOWIE!  No, not a Batman show expletive, but the Aussie Outback Beast...THE YOWIE!
But the Yowie is more an element of action than a full blown threat for most of the film, as the two former bug exterminators (!!!) betray each other over and over with attempted drowning and many many leg woundings (and even a hand wound...woah!) .  After a beautiful woman is thrown in the mix, and this blogger learned to pronounce Rhiannon, the action doesn't pick up so much as the use of human bait for the Yowie becomes a strategy to find some gold. And then there is this bit, which made me smile a whole lot.

Yes, VERNON WELLS!  Wez!!  Plughead!!!!  Very cool, it's a fun cameo that comes, literally, out of nowhere.  As it should be. Now I'm all nostalgic to watch T-Force again. Always room for PM and Wez.

Oh, and the leading guy, he looks like a deflated Brett Favre to me for some reason. Maybe it isn't obvious in the still, but...wow, it just struck me.  When he has to throw something at the Yowie in the final reel, I kept waiting for Wez to reappear and intercept it!

Uh...you aren't going to text me anything inappropriate no matter how hot it is when I say Baboon with my accent, right?
Anyhow, the movie proper is definitely more a bit of heist and doublecrossing than anything Bigfoot related, even though the monster does appear several times in the daylight and seems to have a lot of good Ausquatchy times playing "Hide Behind The Tree While I Try To Hit You!"  The movie looks pretty good and features an EXCELLENT soundtrack by Richard Band and Amotz Plessner that elevates the visuals and gives life to some of the chase sequences.

In the end, THROWBACK takes all the chunks of 'Foot Meat you could want, stirs it around and comes up with the basic sauce, no more no less, though yes...I never heard "baboon" sound so...sexy.

The DVD from MVD Visual is interesting and now incomplete, the transfer is solid enough and there are plentiful extras including a nearly 18 minutes alternate ending that is less explosive.  But it would have robbed me of the interception / Favre joke. I'm glad they went with this one!  Short films and behind the scenes footage are included also.  You'll certainly get your fix of Yowie's in cinema with this film, which says...well, it's the only Yowie movie I know!

Monday, June 29, 2015

CINESLUDGE Episode 11! The Naked Obsessions of Chainsaw Hookers!

THE Evil Monks Of CINESLUDGE are back and it's time for more FRED OLEN RAY fun as we recap Chiller Theater, meeting Fred and Jim Wynorski, talking NAKED OBSESSION with William Katt and more!

Dive on in like an unrestrained Katt on Maria Ford!

Cinesludge Episode 10: THE GATE OF FULCI!

Celebrating the release of Grindhouse's BLU RAY of Lucio Fulci's classic, THE BEYOND, The Evil Monks of Cinesludge look not just at this iconic film, nor just his zombie films, but our top 10 films to watch in both Fulci 101 and 102!  From Saxaphone Sex to Quacking Slashers...we nail it all down like an UNGODLY WARLOCK!!

Check in to ROOM 36 right now!